Jokes Volume 4
Joke #1: The Soviet
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden. The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says “They look so calm, they must be British!” The Frenchmen responds “no no! They’re naked, so beautiful, they must be French!” The Russian says “They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? …They’re clearly Russian!”
Joke #2: Hot Stewardess
A sexy looking flight attendant was walking down the isle of the plane going side to side smiling at the passengers. She got to a man and asked, “Would you like head phones?”
The man unbuckled this seatbelt and said “Certainly! ..but how did you know my name was phones?”
Joke #3: UK Health Plans
One of the best doctors is showing her around on his trip past all his patients. he walks into room #1 and there is a guy masturbating. The Queen looks at the doctor with a disgusted face and asks why the man is doing that. The doctor replies that the man has a disease where his testicles produce too much sperm, and that if he doesn’t do this, his testicles will explode. The Queen is a bit shocked but can see why the man is doing this.
They then proceed to the next room where they find a patient who is in the middle of being orally pleased by a nurse.
The Queen again looks to the doctor with a disgusted face, to which the doctor replies; ”same disease, better insurance.”
Joke #4: Language Lessons
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room yelled, “Yeah, right!”
Joke #5: Not that Special
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. Think about that for a second.
That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you…
Joke #6: Stranded
Three guys, An engineer, a Mexican and a loser are stranded on a desert island. The engineer, searching for a way off the island finds a magic lamp containing a genie.
The genie comes out and says that it will grant each one of them one wish. The Engineer immediately responds, “I wish I get off this island and back home”. POOF! The engineer disappears off the island. The Mexican, looks in awe and excitedly asks the same “I wish the same as Mr. Engineer, I want to leave the island and return with my family” POOF! Now remains the loser who is looking in the sand. The genie intervenes, “well, what do you wish for?” The loser guy says, “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here”
*POOF!*
The Engineer and the Mexican land back on the island
Joke #7: Scooby Doo’s Brother
A guy has a talking dog & brings it to a talent scout.
“This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed talent scout.
“Okay, Sport,” the guy says to the dog. “What’s on top of a house?”
“Roof!” the dog replies.
“Oh, come on…” the talent scout responds. “All dogs go ‘roof.’ I’m not impressed…” and goes to get up to leave.
“No, wait,” the guy says urgently. The talent scout sits back down.
The guy then asks the dog, “What does sandpaper feel like?”
“Rough!” the dog answers.
The talent scout gives a condescending blank stare & begins to lose his patience.
“No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you!”
He turns and asks the dog, “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Ruth!” goes the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
“what a stupid dog!” he says.
The dog turns to the guy and says, “Wow. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio.”
Joke #8: Rich and Poor Gifts
The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?” The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.” The poor man asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?” The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?” The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.” The rich man asks, “Why those two things?” The poor man astutely reponds, “This way, if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself!”
#StayOnTheBall
