Jokes Vol 3.
Joke #1 Cactus
“I saw lots of people trying to grow their own food, which is great, but I thought I’d start slow so I got a cactus. I went about my business and I just realized this week that it died and I thought damn… I am less nurturing than a desert…”
Joke # 2 Perspectives
“I like escalators, you know why? Because Escalators can never break–they can just become stairs… If the escalators break in a mall they should have a sign reading ‘Sorry for the convenience'”
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Joke #3 Aware of Surroundings
Two young salmon are swimming along one day. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, “Morning, boys! How’s the water?”
The two salmon reply to the wise fish and swim off. The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one hesitantly turns to the other and asks, “What the fuck is water?”
Joke #4 Names
A woman is walking through Berlin in 1936 when she sees a man carrying a very long stick.
“Are you a pole-vaulter?” She asks. I’m very excited for the olympics!
He replied with confusion, “No, I’m German & how the hell did you know my name is Walter?”
Joke # 5 It Starts…
Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their
honeymoon.
When they got back, Elaine immediately ‘phoned her mother and
her mother obviously asked, ‘How was the honeymoon, dearest?’
‘Oh, Ma,’ she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic…’
Then Elaine burst out crying. ‘But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language… saying things I’ve never heard before! I mean,
all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Ma.’
‘Calm down, Elaine!,’ said her mother, ‘Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?’
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, ‘Oh, Ma…words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.’
Joke #6 United States, Sort of
- The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
- The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
- The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
- USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t understand The Washington Post.
- The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
- The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
- The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country.
- The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the
country, as long as they do something scandalous. - The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country.
- The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
- The Chicago Tribune is read by people who live in the Midwest, which readers of the other newspapers don’t think is part of the country.
Joke #7 More than Rotting Teeth
A consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses in the area.
“The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Fast food is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Even healthy vegetables can be disastrous because of pesticides and none of us realize the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives”
She questioned, “Is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
A 65-year-old nurse sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.’
Joke #8 Not What We Had in Mind
Just before thanksgiving Jim and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when
Jim keel’s over and collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his
eyes are glazed. Eddie gets out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services.
He gasps, ‘My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says,
‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’ There is a
silence, then a shot is heard.
Eddie returns to the phone in a hurry, “Okay… now what!?”
Joke #9 Never Felt Better
In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:
Lawyer: At the scene of the accident, Mr O’Shea, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?
O’Shea the farmer: That’s right, sir.
Lawyer: Well then, Mr O’Shea, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s car hit your cart?
O’Shea the farmer: When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him.Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”
I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say: I’ve never felt better in my life.
Joke #10 Regrets
O’Shaugnessy needs time off – Irish humour at its best
Soon after O’Shaugnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office
When O’Shaugnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. “To be sure it was, Boss”, he replied, “I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning”
‘Gosh, that’s awful, replied the foreman, “Do you want the rest of the day off?”
‘No’, replied O’Shaugnessy. “I’ll finish the day out.”
O’Shaugnessy returned to work but in hindsight thought that he should have taken his bosses’ offer to go home.
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O’Shaugnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
“Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news this time… That was my brother, and his mother died today too!”
Joke #11 Never Really Growing up
Darren accompanies his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.
Dad said, “What a marvellous train set. I’ll buy it.”
The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, “Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.”
Dad replied with a glint in his eye, “Maybe you’re right… Darren Ill wait at the counter go get yourself one, too”
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Very funny