Jokes Vol 2.
Joke #1 The Airplane
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLONDE, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO TORONTO AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON’T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, “I’M BLONDE, I’M BEAUTIFUL, I’M GOING TO TORONTO AND I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE.”
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON’T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, “YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I’LL HANDLE THIS, I’M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.”
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, “OH, I’M SORRY.” AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
“I TOLD HER, ‘FIRST CLASS ISN’T GOING TO TORONTO.”
Joke #2 Bad Marriage
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, I’m confused” said the man “you want me to stay?”
Joke #3 A Betting Woman
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because “It’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He’s a very busy man.”
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
“$180,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her,
“Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?”
The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.”
Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?” He could hardly hold back from laughing.
“Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.”
The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. “You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand.
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.” He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”
The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.”
Joke #4 Flames
I was in statistics class in university trying to not fall asleep when I heard a statistic that really scared me. The professor paused class to inquire if I was alright. I asked, “Can you read that statistic back to me again?” The professor obliged “Of course, I said 4 out of 5 forest fires are started by people–does this bother you?”
I said, “does it? Of course it does! Because that means there’s a bear out there who knows how to use matches!”
Joke #5 Mystery of the Universe
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out on a camping trip. After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks “Watson, what do you see?” Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“Correct, Watson, and what do you conclude from that?”
Watson thinks for a moment and then answers: “Well, temporally I conclude it is about 03:30 AM, astrologically I conclude that Venus is showing in the sign of Aquarius, astronomically I conclude that we are on a planet, orbiting the sun in a spiral arm of our galaxy, and religiously I conclude that God wants to show us with this splendour that we are but a small, insignificant speck of dust in the infinite grace of his creation. Why, Holmes? What do you mean?”
“Watson… somebody stole our tent.”
Joke #6 Archie Bunker’s Meathead
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.”
The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something… If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”
The clerk says, “Well, no.”
With deep self-righteous ndignation, the guy says, “Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”
The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”
Joke #7 Bureaucrats
How many bureaucrats do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
Six.
One supervises;
One arranges for the electricity to be shut off;
One checks safety and quality standards;
One monitors compliance with government regulations;
One fills out paperwork;
And one who screws the lightbulb into the water faucet
Joke #8 Proctologist
Patient: “Doc, my bum hurts…”
Doctor: “Where specifically does it hurt?”
Patient: “Right around the entrance.”
Doctor: “Yeah well that’s the exit. As long as you think it’s an entrance… it’ll continue to hurt.”
Joke #9 Irish on a Plane
400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Dublin to Boston. It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix.
However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.
A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, “Ladies and gentleman; we don’t know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!”
Her next announcement came six hours later: “Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 180 dinners available.”
#StayOnTheBall
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